Is life is better or bitter with friends?
Friends can make or break you. You are an average of the five people you spend time with. As a child, my mum was very particular of whom I befriended. She constantly reminded me of a bible verse, that she actually made me and my siblings memorize. Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals. This became the anchor in my choice of friends.
It was back in high school when I met her. Charming, bubbly and chatty, with this aura of joy and laughter. I was going through a lot; hormones acting up, my parent’s separation and being moved to a boarding school was unbearable. I was separated from people and places I was accustomed to.
She was in the next room always with stories to tell, I kept wondering what she talked about. One day I quietly crept into her room and sat near the exit as girls in the school could be nasty, I had already been “monolised” so I was a bit fearful. As I sat, the rest of the girls kept on giggling and cheering her on. She motioned with her hand like to make me comfortable, I was elated. She is affable, I thought to myself.
She would pass by my room for a chit chat before heading to the dining hall, our bond grew as time passed. She helped me with Physics and I did with Biology. We shared food and secrets. I have fond memories of school because of her.
We all need a good friend.
Bonds of friendships start off in a myriad of ways. This particular one began back in high school, some at bus stops, and others in a toilet queue still others while scampering for shelter after a sudden down pour. It doesn’t matter how it starts but how it works out.
When I met Bella, I was looking for a safe place. Someone I could be myself with, to be home away from home. Thank God, she turned out a great pal that I cherish to date. Over the years, we have celebrated our birthdays, our weddings our children’s’ birthdays, cried about break ups, loosing love ones tossed on new jobs and career growth.
We may sometimes be looking for a safe place but turns out to be destructive and damaging. Not all that glitters is gold. We need to be keen in choosing friends and not expecting people to fill voids in our lives. Our insecurities will sometimes lead us to bullies and abusers.
Talking of bad friends, I met Joan in collage . She was brilliant, insightful and savvy. I admired her, I hanged out with her hoping she would rub off on me, ha! Sometimes we fail to notice flaws of high achievers and get into traps. Joan would never shared information that would improve me. She went to the extent of pointing me opposite to what I needed and poisoning our friends against me. All this was done in such a subtle way that I only learnt almost completing collage. I was angry at myself. I later came to learn that she felt I was prettier and more creative than she was. She kept me close to ensure I never out shined her, talk of keeping your friends close and enemies closer!
I believe in learning from mistakes. Unpleasant experiences warrant we exercise caution not to fall in the same pit. I became more intentional in my choice of friends there after.
I have learned over the years that our values are vital in choosing who we spend time with. We must interact with people that share same beliefs and values. Habits rub off easily. They say, I look at your friends and know who you are. We all need people and not just people but friends. Real friends. Friends who will laugh at us and with us, who will pull down our dresses, go hiking together, hook ups to brothers or sisters and better still those who’ll look at us straight in the eye and firmly say, get your act together!
Friends could be seasonal or lifelong. Seasonal because of age, status or season in life. Identifying whether a friend is seasonal or lifelong determines how much you will devote to the friendship. You don’t have to be clingy. If a friendship no longer serves its purpose, it was seasonal. Let go!
When I was a teenager all I wanted was to belong, in my early 20s to be trendy and have fun, mid 20s I began to be selective with who I spent my time with. It was as I grew up that I came to realization that people are two faced; what you see and who they really are inside. To find a true friend: dig deeper, be intentional and pray.
We meet all these so called friends at workplaces, churches and neighborhoods. Some of us are gullible and easily trusting that we end up being hurt by people posing as friends. To insecure Ivy everything is competition, jealous Judy is only one who deserves the best, entrepreneur Emmy knows everything about the stock market and all while with Hellen happy go lucky there is nothing serious. Chose wisely.
Friends can also be of the opposite sex. I know every girl needs that male friend who will offer her dude advice, ha! With this kind of arrangement clear boundaries must be set and kept.
Lifelong friends are like Bella, they become part and parcel of your life. They walk with you in all seasons of life, they don’t care whether you are struggling with infertility or joblessness they stick like a tick. They are those friends who you might not talk often but when you meet conversation picks up like you lived in same house. They remember your anniversary, they don’t hesitate when they see a job or a deal that would suit you, they defend you with their life and they love you for who you are. We all need a Bella in our lives with whom you can be vulnerable yet safe.
You must also be good friend, reciprocating to the friendship you are in. Bella got a job before I did, she housed me as I was job hunting. She paid rent and did all the laundry and cooking. I did not want to burden her, soon after I was successful we split bills.
Iron sharpens iron, be the kind of friend you would like to have. Have something to offer, don’t always be on the receiving end. Be kind and generous, love and care. Better still, walk away from people who are out there to use you. Friendship is two way.
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